reworked, reworded

In the last few years, this blog has undergone redesign, both of structure and of purpose. Well, it’s back to basics around here again.

True, I have a LiveJournal, and I do post there fairly often. Still, the fact remains that this was the original place for me to express whatever needed expression. I cannot deny that, while the LiveJournal is useful, this is where my history is.

Recent events [katrina + apartment fire] have been reminding me of incidents from the past [leroy bullock + beth + westside]. Never have I experienced a sharper call for gratitude: for that which I have, and that which I don’t have.

I have thought at times to achieve, not fame, but at least a small amount of recognition for these outpourings that are, in essence, creative writing of a sort. I know now that hoping for such things is to defeat the purpose I had in creating a blog in the first place. While others may have a more outwardly-directed purpose to their online commentary, I do not. Inward reflection brings inner rewards.

in sight

So I’m learning PHP in order to make good templates for comics on Nightgig…

I finally finished the nasty take-home final for Dr. Gärtner… definitely a relief. So now I’ve thrown myself into PHP, at least while my sister naps. I needed a break from regular academic work.

It hasn’t broken my head yet, but still, it’s taking brainpower… that’s good for you, right?

Anyway, there will be much fun and rejoicing in Munich this weekend, and at the co-birthday party Friday night for my sister and Lyndsey.

Life is good when homework is done.

Occasionally, when I’m out and about in my hometow…

Occasionally, when I’m out and about in my hometown, I run into old home folks; people I went to high school or elementary with, people who elected (whether knowingly or no) to stay here, settle, and do whatever there is to do here — live out their lives, as best they can.

I saw two of those people today.

Cheryl gave me hope. She was always picked on in school — people thought she was mentally retarded. I don’t think that was the case. She is diabetic with a horrible sweet tooth. She was like an alcoholic in some ways — she looked and acted drunk, stumbling around, and greedily eating cookies from the lunch line or a candy bar from the machines.

I saw her today, clean, fairly neat, and walking calmly through Wal-Mart, pushing a cart.

She looked just like everyone else.

Brandon gave me gratitude. I turned a wrong corner in Wal-Mart, and Brandon was there, with a woman, and what seemed like an army of kids in tow. [I saw them as they were leaving too, and had a chance to count: there were only four. It seemed like at least six.] He looked calm, as gently persistent as I’ve always known him to be — a kind of gentle giant, a secure place in the midst of tumult. The woman looked harried, and a bit tired, but shopping with four kids can account for that. The kids were wild, running in a kind of erratic orbit around Brandon and the woman, never straying too far, but off in odd directions, and sometimes out of sight. They seemed to have an internal compass that kept them within ear-shot, if not eye-shot, of their parents.

I was grateful that I didn’t have to keep up with them. And yet, Brandon showed me that they can keep up with themselves to some extent, and that family life might not be so bad….

… eventually.

Happy Hearts’ Day, all. I have a few gifties for …

Happy Hearts’ Day, all. I have a few gifties for you all.

first, to dave: for all the constant back-patting, and for taking complements so well, a heart of your own.

to angelique: for cheering me up simply by being her charming self, and for commenting on every last post in the friday five, a charming tune.

to foss: for encouraging me, forgiving me for the lost link, and even thinking i’m cool, a fun toy.

to kit: for perservering in the way of the cartoon, a big hug, and I have chocolate to share when you get home!

there are so many more, I can’t begin to list them. [yes, that's the beginning of a list up there. no, i don't care.]

Thank you for believing in me. It’s just what I need.

ah… twenty-five minutes to heaven heaven (hev…

ah… twenty-five minutes to heaven

heaven (hev‘ en) n. 1. the abode of God, the angels, and the spirits of the righteous after death; the place or state of existence of the blessed after the mortal life. 2. going on a road trip with your guardian angel.

Grace and ‘Celia will be picking me up at my house in less than an hour, and we’re off to Heber Springs. Not bad at all.

See you guys on Monday.

well, if i can’t publish, i can post…. today …

well, if i can’t publish, i can post….

today was a ’stay-in-bed’ day. unfortunately, it was also a ‘work-at-eight-o’clock’ day. i suppose i got the best of both: i stayed in bed until 7:00 and still got to work by 8:00.

quote of the day: “motivation? what motivation?”

i had to ask to see the good today: i certainly didn’t wake up seeing it. some mornings the world is all birdsong and sunshine; others are, well, like today. gray. damp. cold. dark. [i miss daylight].

so, i asked. as i turned the corner onto Stallings Lane, I saw six pear trees, clad in crimson-gold, and smiled.

today’s sigh brought to you with a large dose of c…

today’s sigh brought to you with a large dose of contentment.

i have had a very long week. [tuesday felt like it should have been friday.] i have worked four times as hard as i normally have to. my great-grandmother is dying. i haven’t done half of what i wanted to accomplish this week. the house is still messy. i went home sick today.

and i am content.

it’s a good thing that feelings are generally inexplicable, because this one certainly is. by all rights, i should be angry, upset, depressed, or something of the like. i keep thinking that i ought to be pouting about something.

i can’t seem to bring myself to do it.

all during this week, when i have needed so much to get through it, a strange phenomenon has occurred: i have gotten everything i needed, and i have seen it and said thank you.

tuesday and wednesday i knew i didn’t need to be by myself — that i would only sink into a black funk if left alone. during the course of those two days, i have seen or talked to nearly everyone i love. i have had two out-of-town friends call me out of the blue — just when i needed it. i had lunch with one of my best girlfriends yesterday. i have seen people on icq that i haven’t talked to in months. kit came over last night after work and helped me make gumbo. i have had unexpected time with several others. and each time i recieved each of these gifts, i saw that it was exactly what i needed at that moment — that something else could have done, but nothing could have done as much good.

i had someone tell me what a wonderful friend i am. one girl showed me how well i’m doing in my life by telling me about hers. whether or not they intended it, i have felt love from each of these people — because something greater than any of us humans alone was using them to help me.

they may never know how wonderful they are, but i am doing my damndest to show them.